A year ago today I was waking up in a hospital bed with my arms tied to the bed, a tube down my throat, IVs in both my arms and hands, and a catheter attached to me, but I think the scariest part was seeing my mom across the room. I remember I laid there acting like I was asleep for two hours because I wasn’t ready to talk to my mom.
I was in a dark place just one year ago. I have struggled through a lot and it is so weird to think that it has been a year. I hated myself and my life, and I always just thought that everyone would be better off without me. Man was I wrong.
I will not lie to anyone that has or will ask about my life and my experiences. (although i may not talk to someone about it just randomly) I still struggle today. I still find myself praying that I won’t wake up in the morning, or wanting to go take all the pills I can possibly find, or drive off a bridge.
The difference now is before I react to these thoughts I start to pray. God reminds me that he has placed people in my life to help me and I have to trust them. In order for me to do that I have to trust God. It has taken almost this full year, and will probably become more solid in the coming years, for me to realize that God loves me and has amazing plans for me. I have no idea what he wants me to do right now, and it’s frustrating as all get out. I know what I want to be doing but I am not physically able to do that right now. I am being pieced back together by Gods amazing and loving hands. It’s hard to get help from others when I know all the right answers but don’t do them. I still get down and I can tell myself what I need to do but it’s hard. I still struggle with being prideful and being stubborn. I am happy to say I’m grateful that I’m able to look back and see how stupid I am at times because it means I’m still here.
Someone told me that this is an anniversary we don’t want to remember, to a point I do. I am able to look back and see where I was a year ago and where I am now and I just see how amazing God is. If I had gotten my way that night I would be dead, but somehow I made a text that night that saved my life and I went through nothing close to real hell but it was awful for me. I am able to look forward to my life. My birthday is Wednesday and it doesn’t matter what I do I know it will already be better than what I did last year because not only am I alive but I’m free.
We all struggle no one is alone and it makes it easier when we can be transparent and struggle together. I still have a long journey ahead of me to prepare me even more for what God has planned for me but I’m ready. Are you?
