I learned a valuable lesson this weekend.  Sometimes not doing anything is still the wrong thing. We make choices everyday, even if we decided not to do something that is still a choice. If you have things that should be taken care of in anyway and you choice to put it off, its wrong because they eventually catch up to you. 

In almost all of Andy Andrew’s books he talks about choices and the effect they have on life.  One of my favorite quotes is from his book The Lost Choice:

“You have been created with the ability to change the world. Every single choice you make, every single action you take matters. But remember, the the converse is also true. Every choice you do not make, every action you do not take, matters just as much.”

I am learning that I need to make better choices that will allow for better outcomes down the road. I have been praying that instead of doing nothing, I take the initiative and try to take care of the things that need to be taken care of as soon as possible. 

“For nothing is impossible with God” Luke 1:37

Things may be hard and rough at times but I know that if I trust in the Lord that my decisions will be made and the outcomes will happen. I have some finishing up of some business and it will be rough but I know that God is going to help me get through it.

The past month or so I have been working at a Bar. It started out me just waitress to help out a friend and then I ended up on the schedule. I was having fun and making lots of money, but something inside me was changing.  I found myself going out all the time and drinking a lot more than usual, don’t get me wrong I like to drink with dinner or maybe watch a movie and drink ONE OR TWO, but I was drinking a lot more than one or two.

I was losing my identity. My friends didn’t know who I was anymore, and I didn’t know who I was.  I had no time to see any of my good friends for them to tell me I was an idiot and becoming someone else. My life was becoming very dark. I like the people I work with but they are stronger than me. I wasn’t strong enough to work there and not let the bar change who I was.  

It was hard for me to see this and I didn’t want to believe it because the money was so good.  I was just thinking if I could keep this up for a couple of months and save the money I could be back in school in no time.  That thought is most likely very true, but the risk of losing myself and becoming someone different isn’t worth it at all.  I would die to go back to school but I want to be me when I go back.

I am not meant to work in a bar. I am not strong enough. God did not make me that way. I fail and became dark when working there. Drinking is common in my family and it can damage me. I much rather be poor and broke but in love with God and living in the light than where I have been. 

It’s scary for me to know that I will now be going from having three jobs to one.  I gave up my job at Action because I was dumb and picked the bar over it.  I have talked to them and may get that job back but until then I will be working at just Bogie’s and hoping to get my life back into the light. I will have lots of free time and I hope I can use it for good.  Everything starts with a leap and then you have to keep running or you will fall.  But I already feel better knowing that I took the step to get out of the bar and back to the light.

A year ago today I was waking up in a hospital bed with my arms tied to the bed, a tube down my throat, IVs in both my arms and hands, and a catheter attached to me, but I think the scariest part was seeing my mom across the room. I remember I laid there acting like I was asleep for two hours because I wasn’t ready to talk to my mom.

I was in a dark place just one year ago. I have struggled through a lot and it is so weird to think that it has been a year. I hated myself and my life, and I always just thought that everyone would be better off without me. Man was I wrong.

I will not lie to anyone that has or will ask about my life and my experiences. (although i may not talk to someone about it just randomly) I still struggle today. I still find myself praying that I won’t wake up in the morning, or wanting to go take all the pills I can possibly find, or drive off a bridge.

The difference now is before I react to these thoughts I start to pray. God reminds me that he has placed people in my life to help me and I have to trust them. In order for me to do that I have to trust God. It has taken almost this full year, and will probably become more solid in the coming years, for me to realize that God loves me and has amazing plans for me. I have no idea what he wants me to do right now, and it’s frustrating as all get out. I know what I want to be doing but I am not physically able to do that right now. I am being pieced back together by Gods amazing and loving hands. It’s hard to get help from others when I know all the right answers but don’t do them. I still get down and I can tell myself what I need to do but it’s hard. I still struggle with being prideful and being stubborn. I am happy to say I’m grateful that I’m able to look back and see how stupid I am at times because it means I’m still here.

Someone told me that this is an anniversary we don’t want to remember, to a point I do. I am able to look back and see where I was a year ago and where I am now and I just see how amazing God is. If I had gotten my way that night I would be dead, but somehow I made a text that night that saved my life and I went through nothing close to real hell but it was awful for me. I am able to look forward to my life. My birthday is Wednesday and it doesn’t matter what I do I know it will already be better than what I did last year because not only am I alive but I’m free.

We all struggle no one is alone and it makes it easier when we can be transparent and struggle together. I still have a long journey ahead of me to prepare me even more for what God has planned for me but I’m ready. Are you?

Yes I know that it is February and that most people make goals for the year on January 1, but I have really been thinking and praying on these and making sure that they are doable and that I will stick with them. I didn’t want this to just be a trend that I follow. I actually want to stay true to these goals and make them last. Some of them are just random things I need to do to take more care of my body or things that could greatly impact mine or someone else’s life.  

• I want to stop drinking soda. I didn’t start this one until February 7th. I was doing good at the end of last year and then started working at Bogie’s in Abilene where I could have all the free fountain drinks that I wanted.  This one is kind of to make myself healthier, but mainly because the carbonation always makes me sick.
• I want to stop smoking. I am starting this one today. It is an awful habit that I have had off and on and its time to put an end to it.  Not only is it bad for me and everyone around me it is also very bad on my bank account.  I am also tired of my car and my clothes smelling bad. 
• I want to read the Bible in a year. I started a plan on December 20th 2010 that will lead me through the Old Testament once and the New Testament twice in one year. I have been doing really good so far and haven’t missed a day. I don’t want to just read it to say I did it though; I want to read it to be able to apply it more and more to my life.
• I want to read at least 5 spiritually challenging books. I am not sure what these books maybe yet, (suggestions would be great), but I want to read them to change my life and my spirituality.
• Read through Jesus Calling, I started reading on January 1st.  This daily devotional has been kicking my tail because it seems that no matter what I’m struggling with that when I read this at night that is what the passage is about. It reminds me that there is so much more in life then what I am worry about and stressing about and wasting my time one. 
• I want to become more patient and trusting on God. This one is a big struggle that I find myself always working on.  It has really been testing me right now with how I want to know what is going to happen at this moment so I can plan and prepare for the future.  It is hard not knowing what is going to happen, and to just know that God is going to provide. I am working on this daily and hope that I will become better at it as time goes on.
• I want to become more active. I love the outdoors and doing new things but it seems that I always push it to the side and never make time to actually do anything. 
• I want to focus more on authentic relationships and actually make a commitment to the people in my life on letting them know what they mean to me and not expect anything out of it. God has put some amazing people in my life and a lot of times I let them just fade away because I don’t put the time and effort into the relationship. I have some of those trying to fade away now and I want to change that and make sure that they know I appreciate everything they are and everything they do and that I love them and they are valuable in my life. 
• Journaling has been on my heart a lot lately. I have had a lot of stuff go on with me in the past few years, and I’m awful at talking to people about things in my life. I have been thinking a lot that I need to get things out in a more healthy way and that it may be good to write things down. This may sound silly because people have told me this all the time but I am stubborn and always make excuses on why not to do it. I want to actually make an attempt to do this and to hopefully express somethings in my life that I can hopefully let go off and move one with my life.
• I want to start tithing more at church as well. Every once in a while if I have cash on me or if I even bring my wallet into church I would put something into the offering. But as I am beginning to realize how much God and the Church has helped me it reminds me that I should also give back. I want to make it a habit of giving back and give back more than just what I happen to find that day. I want to make it something I actually think about and pray about.
• I want to start thinking more of others, not to say that I will put myself last but that I will do things more for others. I read a blog by Micheal Hyatt that said something like we should put ourselves second so we can in the long run help others out. I want to start trying to just think more of others and what I can do that will help others more. 

These are just the few I have been thinking about and praying about. I know that through out the year I will probably think of more. I am just hoping that I can do these. I wouldn’t mind if you ask me how I am doing because sometimes I just start thinking that it doesn’t matter if I do or don’t do something and then I just quit doing it.  I want to make a difference and want to live for God, and I know for a fact that I want this year to be so much more than last year. I made a lot of poor decisions last year that I never want to have to go through or put others through again, but I also made some good changes and choices last year that I want to improve even more on in this year. I made some good relationship that I want to also continue to grow in 2011, and yes that means I will eventually make it out to Nashville again to see some great people!

This book was very interesting and intriguing, but not one of my favorites. I enjoyed the over all point to the book and the message that it carried. It took me a long time to read though because at points I just got bored and it was a little hard to follow.  It was very up to date and mentioned a lot of problems that were reverent to what is going on in today’s world.  I also liked how all the chapters were “stay….” and then tied it into a problem with our society.  This books relates to both past and present generation. They I am excited to finish the book that follows (What in the World is Going On) but I will have to wait until I have more time to sit and read the book and except from my normal life.  I would recommend this book to others but would suggestion that you are not reading it when you can get distracted or don’t have time in your life. 

        
Both of these books are by Andy Andrews.  I personally love all of Andrews books. What he has done with these two books has made a short and sweet story about how every action we take make matters.  I would say that these books are very similar except that The Boy Who Changed the World  is very well made for children.  I would highly recommend both of these books.  I gave my copy of The Boy Who Changed the World to one of my education teachers at ACU, she loved it.  Also she showed her sister who is an elementary librarian and she ordered copies for all the teachers and to put into the library.  These books could quite possibly changed the world. 

Another year has passed and a lot has changed. I am not sad at all for 2010 to be gone. I have learned a lot, struggled, but most importantly I have grown.  Looking back I can’t say that 2010 was an awful year because it has taught me so much and changed me for the better. 

A lot of talk has been going on about one word for the year. I have been thinking a lot over what I want my one word to be, I think I have decided on grow.

I want to grow more in my relationship with God.

I want to grow into a mature woman.

I want to grow out of my selfish ways.

I want to grow to love myself and others more for who they are.

I want my trust in the Lord to grow.

I want my body to grow stronger and healthier

There is so much more I could think of, I want the year of 2011 to be a year full of growth.  I have already grown so much from the summer of 2010 and I don’t want to stop.  If we are not growing then we are dying. 

It took me a really long time to finish and review this book. It isn’t because this book is long or a hard read, it is because it is a group devo and it was just hard for me to read but not do.  I really enjoyed how they related today’s culture with today’s faith. I work and grow in my faith around a group of youth with past churches and with the church I am presently at.  I found this a good book because I often find myself watching movies or listening to songs that often have messages in them and that is a lot of what this book describes.  It is a good devo book, but hard to read if you aren’t leading a devo.  I would highly recommend this book for a group to do, big or small.  It helps even more get you to see God outside of his box we call church and to realize and to find him in the things we encounter everyday.

It’s been quite an interesting summer. Some bad things have happened but I wouldn’t at all say that it has been a bad summer. This is a hard blog for me to write, I think mainly because I don’t want it to be taken the wrong way at all. At no means am I doing this for pity or for attention, I just have a lot of thoughts and I don’t know how else to get them out of my head.

This summer didn’t go as I was planning at all. It all changed when I made a choice. On May 29, 2010 I decided that I was done living. This wasn’t the first time that I have come to this decision and it wasn’t close to being the first time I tried to take my life. It was the first time that I almost succeed. All I remember is taking a lot of pills and waking up the next day in ICU with a lot of tubes and wires all over me. I was later filled in on what had happened and I came back to reality.  The important part is what happened next, on May 31 I made a choice to attend Acadia of Abilene, a mental hospital. Now at the time I didn’t see it as my choice to go, because it really wasn’t but it was my choice to get something out of it. I spent 32 days at or going to groups at Acadia. Something I got out of the experience was a book that was given to me. It was called The Lost Choice by Andy Andrews.

I have read Andrews books before and I have loved them and I got something out of them, this book and the timing just hit home. I don’t think it all came together until I finished the book tonight, and I’m still gathering all the thoughts. It talks a lot about choices and how what we choose leads to something else. Also the books describes how our choices don’t just affect our lives. When I would think about taking my life, I wasn’t in a good state of mind, because I wasn’t thinking about how it would affect everyone else, all I thought about is how I would be gone and it would be a better place for everyone. Man I was so confused.

“Everybody - every single body - makes a difference! But there is a choice that determines what kinda difference you will make. Most folks don’t see how important they are…how much they matter to all of us. So they never choose to do something special with their lives. And not making a choice that is a choice…a lost one.”

This quote hit me hard and threw me into a cement wall. Something else about me is that the other three books I have read by Andy Andrews I read them each in less than two days, this one took me about 32 days. It was hard, I struggled with this book. I was learning how to cope with my problem and this book was showing me that it was my choice and I couldn’t blame my actions on a disease even if I do suffer from Major Depression Disorder (MDD), yea I had a hard life and I had crap come towards me, but my choice was never taken away. I am the one that made a negative choice and it wasn’t a choice that was making me important. I believe the fact I was going through such a struggle with why I was important in life and why my choices make a difference made this book so much more powerful to me and my life. I have God to thank for that one, he is so very BIG.

It has almost been a full week since I was completely discharged from Acadia. Life is still hard like it always will be, but I am remembering I have choices. I’m am so grateful of having this second chance to live my life and hopefully make better choices. God has saved me and given me a new life and I hope that I can make him happy and proud. I want to make a difference. I encourage everyone to read this book and to look at their life and to wonder what choices are they making for themselves, for family, for friends, for people you don’t even know. God loves all of us and he has given us our freedom to make our own choices what will you do with them today? I challenge everyone including myself to start trying to make a choice everyday starting today that will somehow benefit someone else, and it may benefit you too but think of others first. What choices can we make?

Below is a letter that is in the book written from Alfred Vanderbilt to his boys. This letter sounds like God speaking to me. I may sound cheesy and crazy, but it does. It reminded me of why I am still here. That I am different from everyone else and God has a plan for me and it isn’t the same plan I have for myself, but God’s is much more worth it.

“I made you different from the others. On the planet Earth, there has never been one like you…and there never will be again. Your spirit, your thoughts and feelings, your ability to reason - all exist in no one else. Your eyes are a masterpiece, incomparable, and windows to a soul that is also uniquely yours. A single strand of your hair has been created especially for you. Of the multitudes who have come before you and the multitudes who may follow, not one of them duplicates the formula with which I made you. I made you different from the others. The blood that flows through your veins flows through the heart of one whom I have chosen. The rarities that make you one of a kind, my child, are no mere accident or quirk of fate. I made you different in order that you might make a difference. You have been created with the ability to change the world. Every single choice you make…every single action you take…matters. But remember, the converse is also true. Every choice you do not make…every action you do not take…matters just as much! Your actions cannot be hoarded, saved for later, or used selectively. By your hand, millions of lives will be altered, caught up in a chain of events begun by you this very day. But the opposite is true as well. Millions of lives are also altered, caught up in an entirely different chain of events - if you choose to wait. You possess the power of choice. Free will. You have been given everything you need to act, but the choice is yours alone. And beginning this very moment, you will choose wisely. Now go. And never feel inadequate again. Do not dwell in thoughts of insignificance or wander aimlessly lost, like a sheep.You are powerful. You matter. And you have been found. You are my choices.

                                               Your Father” (page 229-230)