Today was the start of my last full week lifeguarding for Abilene state park. After this week the pool will only be open on Saturday and Sunday until labor day. When I woke up this morning I was excited, until I got to work an there was only three of us guards meaning we would be up pretty much all day in the sun. I’m exhausted. Today went by so slow. It also gave me so much time up on stand to think. Time to myself to think can be good or bad at times. Today it wasn’t that bad.
On my lunch break I was reading Wrecked by Jeff Goins and so for the rest of the day I was thinking of what I read and how my life has been wrecked in the past.
I have personally wrecked my own life with my actions, but have also been wrecked when I have worked with children.
When I see children suffering in anyway I am compassionate or in Latin terms “with suffering”. For example when a little boy slipped on the board today instantly my heart was aching an was in pain for him I helped him bandage up his foot an he was fine. But in that instant he was hurting I was hurting until I saw that he was okay and able to play again my pain didn’t subside.
This was silly to feel hurt and pain with him but it is what happens to me. I am not always sure why I am here today and what God wants me to do but I know it has something to do with kids. I just want to help children in anyway that God blesses me to do. But first I know God still has a lot of breaking and remolding of myself to finish.
Jeff Goins says this in his book:
“We must allow our hearts to be broken so we can make things whole once again. We must fall apart before we can build up. Anything else is not compassion. It may raise money or impress the neighbors, but it won’t satisfy.”
I want to truly be compassionate in everything I do in my life. I don’t want to be rich in anything but God’s image. I have been saying in the past I want to be fixed and put back together but I don’t think I’m ready to be put back together yet. I think that there is still some brokenness that has to occur in my life before I can be fully restored. For example I’m still not patient or trusting.
School starts in two weeks and I’m not sure if I will have one of the jobs I interviewed for or how many hours I will get. Or how I will pay for everything. But surprisingly as the days go on it is getting somewhat easier to trust and wait. It’s still just as scary but God hasn’t let me down yet so I guess another day is yet to come.

Warning: the following is just completely random thoughts running through my head

As I have laid here for the past hour trying to sleep I have given up to thinking blogging will help. My mind is race in 10,000 different directions.

Freaked out about the back door
Can’t trust any of my friends really
Can’t focus on anything
Can’t sleep
Can’t wake up in the mornings for work
Can’t believe the good things happening in my life
And so many other useless stuff

Something good begins to happen and I am too impatient to wait it out and see what God has in store that I rush through it and end up ruining it before it even has time to grow.

I have always been told to never pray for patience because God will give it to you but not the way you want it. I feel as though where I am right now that nothing can make this feeling in my life be any worse than just praying to God for patience.

It scares me to death that the other day when I stub my toe the pain made me feel better. I can honestly say I used to bang my head up against my bed frame consistently in a row to hope that the pain would make me black out. I have never cut myself or caused any other intentional pain to myself and would never dream of doing anything like that, I have thought about it but could never do it. My ears are gauged right now because when I was stressed the pain of gauging my ears made me feel better. I reread this and it makes me sick I have never wanted to be someone that would hurt themselves to feel better.

I don’t understand half the time who I am anymore. I hate my job and can not wait until the day it is over. I want to go back to church, but with the job right now I can’t. Everyday I have to go to work with a immature boy that tells me “go kill yourself” for the fun of it. I have asked him to stop so many times and he thinks it is hilarious. Told me it shouldn’t matter unless someone he tells it to is suicidal. Well guess he doesn’t know who I was. I wouldn’t say I am suicidal right now because I have the thoughts but I know that those thoughts are not an option and I have to find another way to go through life. Half the time i tell myself that the thoughts are not an option I don’t believe them anyways but I can’t let that get in the way of keeping me alive. Which is weird because half the time I am telling myself that I don’t even want to be alive.

I miss being able to spend time with my friends. A lot of time we are all just to busy or they are out with other people. It sounds stupid but I get jealous sometimes. It’s not like I want my friends to only be friends with me but I want to actually be able to spend time with my friends and still be there for them. Sometimes it feels like they replace me. I have already lost enough friends in my life and it is hard enough for me to make friends and then trust and let them into my life that I don’t want to you lose them and have to start over again.

I wish I was able to be open and honest with the people I talk to all the time. People ask me what is wrong and I tell most of them that nothing is wrong and that I’m just sleepy or don’t feel good. Who knew a girl could always be sick. Or the people that I do “trust” or know about my lies I will just respond with a I don’t know, I’m fine. I realize they are only there to help but it frustrates me when I can’t verbalize what is going on in my head. None of it makes sense to me how am I going to make it make sense to anyone else?

I want to be normal and I want to understand the thoughts running through my head. I have a good life and a lot of good things have happened to me. I don’t understand why I want to die. But 24/7 I am thinking of ways I can die but yet make it look like an accident to make it easier on everyone else in my life. I know death is never easy, and I know it isn’t an option for me.

I don’t ever want to try suicide again because I refuse not to get better. I am put here to share this story for God. I don’t know when or how but there has to be a reason that I’m still here. People usually wouldn’t get mad when they are told they are lucky to be walking away from this or that they are dead. This usually only happens once or twice in people’s lives, but I have to use both hands to be able to count how many different times I have been told this. I know I should be excited about this but it makes me mad. It used to make me mad because it just reminded me how much of a failure I was that I couldn’t even kill myself. But now it makes me mad because it reminds me that God has a plan but that I will not know what that plan is until it is also God’s timing for me to know.

My head is throbbing. My ear has hurt for two weeks now along with my throat. I don’t want to go to the doctor because I know he will ask me how I am feeling. When he ask me how I’m feeling he wont just be talking about physically. I know stuff like this shouldn’t matter to me but I feel that I should be better by now and when I have to tell people how I really feel it makes me feel that I have let them down. I have been struggling for a while and a lot of people helped and are still helping me. I don’t want to be their burden forever. I want to be better. I want to be able to love life again. I want to be that girl that was always so super excited that I became annoying to some people and at times was annoying to most people. I miss not caring what happens in the world. I miss being able to sleep. I miss not being scared of myself. I miss not being anxious and worried all the time.

God has put me here on this earth to somehow help children and make a difference in their lives. I hope that one day I will be fulfilling my purpose to the extreme and that there will be nothing held back. Today I hold back a lot - feelings, thoughts, expressions, and more - but I know there will be a day that I am finally free…lets just hope I make it to that day.

I’m so confused on how I feel. My life is falling into place but yet I still feel lost. I just hate everything. I don’t understand anything. I barely sleep anymore and mainly it’s me tossing and turning or trying to ball my eyes out quietly not to wake my roommate. Most days I just want to give up. I keep fighting but I’m beginning to forget what I’m even fighting for in this broken life of mine. This is a never ending game of Jenga waiting to see what stick makes me tumble to the ground. I’m tired of fighting myself to get out of bed and to smile.
God, please just ease this pain in my heart, mind, and soul of mine. I just want to love myself and life again. As of right now I feel better of dead.

Days like today everything inside me just wants to give up. I’m just tired and frustrated of feeling this way.
Today started out fine until this afternoon when everything and anything started to get on my nerves.
I’m trying so hard to get better and do what God wants of me but I’m growing weak. I am having an awful time trusting and being patient in His timing. I just don’t know what to expect and it scares me. I like to be in control of things and my life is one of those things. Growing up if I had to take care of something or need something done I had to do it myself or it never got done. I’m the only one looking out for me and to be told to let go an let God. I’m scared out of my mind.
It seems so much easier just to give up and end it. I won’t be struggling anymore and no one will have to be burdened by me anymore.
Then I’m reminded of the children in my life I love so much. Also my dreams of helping special needs children with physical therapy. I am reminded of the heart that the Lord has blessed me with because I am here for a reason. If there was any reason God could make this a little easier on me it would be awesome. I want to trust you Lord and wait for your timing but I’m still so scared. What if it doesn’t get done? What if I can’t pay my bills. All my what if’s lead back to lack of faith and trust and just gets me so frustrated. I want nothing more than to give You complete control. Help me break the bearers down and to let You completely in my life.

Watching a show tonight and this is something I got out of it
“if your life is easy then your not trusting God”
I know you don’t make our life hard for fun. It is hard because you challenge us everyday to be a better person and to do great yet hard things.

I pray tonight that you take control and help me to let go and let you work.

I hate when I am walking around a new path and I can’t see if there are holes in the ground. It always seems that when it’s bright out and I can see the ground there are never holes, but when it gets dark and it is harder to see the ground the holes are everywhere. It gets to the point where I am just staring down at rhe ground constantly and missing the view in front of me because I am are too scared of falling.
This is how I am feeling lately. I have gotten myself in the habit of looking for holes when my life gets a little dark. Of course I am going to find holes to fall into if I am looking for them. I’m also going to miss all the great things that are going on around and right in front of me.
I get so caught up in being cautious in looking for holes so I don’t fall because I’m scared. I’m scared that if I fall that will be the fall I don’t get back up from. God has picked and dug me out of so many holes and yet I still doubt his help. It’s hard to trust for means even harder when my world goes black. I get so caught up in myself and get used to having to care for myself that I don’t let others or God help me. In reality this is only hurting me more. It’s easier to stay out of holes or get out faster with the help from others. Sometimes I need to use the tools around me to also keep myself out of these holes.

I get so ashamed and upset when I have fallen that I just want to hide from it all. Hiding isn’t helping me. I have buried that huge hole I fell in the past and refuse to go back digging that hole up. But I can’t do this alone. I need help. I want help. I want to trust.

I learned a valuable lesson this weekend.  Sometimes not doing anything is still the wrong thing. We make choices everyday, even if we decided not to do something that is still a choice. If you have things that should be taken care of in anyway and you choice to put it off, its wrong because they eventually catch up to you. 

In almost all of Andy Andrew’s books he talks about choices and the effect they have on life.  One of my favorite quotes is from his book The Lost Choice:

“You have been created with the ability to change the world. Every single choice you make, every single action you take matters. But remember, the the converse is also true. Every choice you do not make, every action you do not take, matters just as much.”

I am learning that I need to make better choices that will allow for better outcomes down the road. I have been praying that instead of doing nothing, I take the initiative and try to take care of the things that need to be taken care of as soon as possible. 

“For nothing is impossible with God” Luke 1:37

Things may be hard and rough at times but I know that if I trust in the Lord that my decisions will be made and the outcomes will happen. I have some finishing up of some business and it will be rough but I know that God is going to help me get through it.

The past month or so I have been working at a Bar. It started out me just waitress to help out a friend and then I ended up on the schedule. I was having fun and making lots of money, but something inside me was changing.  I found myself going out all the time and drinking a lot more than usual, don’t get me wrong I like to drink with dinner or maybe watch a movie and drink ONE OR TWO, but I was drinking a lot more than one or two.

I was losing my identity. My friends didn’t know who I was anymore, and I didn’t know who I was.  I had no time to see any of my good friends for them to tell me I was an idiot and becoming someone else. My life was becoming very dark. I like the people I work with but they are stronger than me. I wasn’t strong enough to work there and not let the bar change who I was.  

It was hard for me to see this and I didn’t want to believe it because the money was so good.  I was just thinking if I could keep this up for a couple of months and save the money I could be back in school in no time.  That thought is most likely very true, but the risk of losing myself and becoming someone different isn’t worth it at all.  I would die to go back to school but I want to be me when I go back.

I am not meant to work in a bar. I am not strong enough. God did not make me that way. I fail and became dark when working there. Drinking is common in my family and it can damage me. I much rather be poor and broke but in love with God and living in the light than where I have been. 

It’s scary for me to know that I will now be going from having three jobs to one.  I gave up my job at Action because I was dumb and picked the bar over it.  I have talked to them and may get that job back but until then I will be working at just Bogie’s and hoping to get my life back into the light. I will have lots of free time and I hope I can use it for good.  Everything starts with a leap and then you have to keep running or you will fall.  But I already feel better knowing that I took the step to get out of the bar and back to the light.

A year ago today I was waking up in a hospital bed with my arms tied to the bed, a tube down my throat, IVs in both my arms and hands, and a catheter attached to me, but I think the scariest part was seeing my mom across the room. I remember I laid there acting like I was asleep for two hours because I wasn’t ready to talk to my mom.

I was in a dark place just one year ago. I have struggled through a lot and it is so weird to think that it has been a year. I hated myself and my life, and I always just thought that everyone would be better off without me. Man was I wrong.

I will not lie to anyone that has or will ask about my life and my experiences. (although i may not talk to someone about it just randomly) I still struggle today. I still find myself praying that I won’t wake up in the morning, or wanting to go take all the pills I can possibly find, or drive off a bridge.

The difference now is before I react to these thoughts I start to pray. God reminds me that he has placed people in my life to help me and I have to trust them. In order for me to do that I have to trust God. It has taken almost this full year, and will probably become more solid in the coming years, for me to realize that God loves me and has amazing plans for me. I have no idea what he wants me to do right now, and it’s frustrating as all get out. I know what I want to be doing but I am not physically able to do that right now. I am being pieced back together by Gods amazing and loving hands. It’s hard to get help from others when I know all the right answers but don’t do them. I still get down and I can tell myself what I need to do but it’s hard. I still struggle with being prideful and being stubborn. I am happy to say I’m grateful that I’m able to look back and see how stupid I am at times because it means I’m still here.

Someone told me that this is an anniversary we don’t want to remember, to a point I do. I am able to look back and see where I was a year ago and where I am now and I just see how amazing God is. If I had gotten my way that night I would be dead, but somehow I made a text that night that saved my life and I went through nothing close to real hell but it was awful for me. I am able to look forward to my life. My birthday is Wednesday and it doesn’t matter what I do I know it will already be better than what I did last year because not only am I alive but I’m free.

We all struggle no one is alone and it makes it easier when we can be transparent and struggle together. I still have a long journey ahead of me to prepare me even more for what God has planned for me but I’m ready. Are you?

Yes I know that it is February and that most people make goals for the year on January 1, but I have really been thinking and praying on these and making sure that they are doable and that I will stick with them. I didn’t want this to just be a trend that I follow. I actually want to stay true to these goals and make them last. Some of them are just random things I need to do to take more care of my body or things that could greatly impact mine or someone else’s life.  

• I want to stop drinking soda. I didn’t start this one until February 7th. I was doing good at the end of last year and then started working at Bogie’s in Abilene where I could have all the free fountain drinks that I wanted.  This one is kind of to make myself healthier, but mainly because the carbonation always makes me sick.
• I want to stop smoking. I am starting this one today. It is an awful habit that I have had off and on and its time to put an end to it.  Not only is it bad for me and everyone around me it is also very bad on my bank account.  I am also tired of my car and my clothes smelling bad. 
• I want to read the Bible in a year. I started a plan on December 20th 2010 that will lead me through the Old Testament once and the New Testament twice in one year. I have been doing really good so far and haven’t missed a day. I don’t want to just read it to say I did it though; I want to read it to be able to apply it more and more to my life.
• I want to read at least 5 spiritually challenging books. I am not sure what these books maybe yet, (suggestions would be great), but I want to read them to change my life and my spirituality.
• Read through Jesus Calling, I started reading on January 1st.  This daily devotional has been kicking my tail because it seems that no matter what I’m struggling with that when I read this at night that is what the passage is about. It reminds me that there is so much more in life then what I am worry about and stressing about and wasting my time one. 
• I want to become more patient and trusting on God. This one is a big struggle that I find myself always working on.  It has really been testing me right now with how I want to know what is going to happen at this moment so I can plan and prepare for the future.  It is hard not knowing what is going to happen, and to just know that God is going to provide. I am working on this daily and hope that I will become better at it as time goes on.
• I want to become more active. I love the outdoors and doing new things but it seems that I always push it to the side and never make time to actually do anything. 
• I want to focus more on authentic relationships and actually make a commitment to the people in my life on letting them know what they mean to me and not expect anything out of it. God has put some amazing people in my life and a lot of times I let them just fade away because I don’t put the time and effort into the relationship. I have some of those trying to fade away now and I want to change that and make sure that they know I appreciate everything they are and everything they do and that I love them and they are valuable in my life. 
• Journaling has been on my heart a lot lately. I have had a lot of stuff go on with me in the past few years, and I’m awful at talking to people about things in my life. I have been thinking a lot that I need to get things out in a more healthy way and that it may be good to write things down. This may sound silly because people have told me this all the time but I am stubborn and always make excuses on why not to do it. I want to actually make an attempt to do this and to hopefully express somethings in my life that I can hopefully let go off and move one with my life.
• I want to start tithing more at church as well. Every once in a while if I have cash on me or if I even bring my wallet into church I would put something into the offering. But as I am beginning to realize how much God and the Church has helped me it reminds me that I should also give back. I want to make it a habit of giving back and give back more than just what I happen to find that day. I want to make it something I actually think about and pray about.
• I want to start thinking more of others, not to say that I will put myself last but that I will do things more for others. I read a blog by Micheal Hyatt that said something like we should put ourselves second so we can in the long run help others out. I want to start trying to just think more of others and what I can do that will help others more. 

These are just the few I have been thinking about and praying about. I know that through out the year I will probably think of more. I am just hoping that I can do these. I wouldn’t mind if you ask me how I am doing because sometimes I just start thinking that it doesn’t matter if I do or don’t do something and then I just quit doing it.  I want to make a difference and want to live for God, and I know for a fact that I want this year to be so much more than last year. I made a lot of poor decisions last year that I never want to have to go through or put others through again, but I also made some good changes and choices last year that I want to improve even more on in this year. I made some good relationship that I want to also continue to grow in 2011, and yes that means I will eventually make it out to Nashville again to see some great people!

This book was very interesting and intriguing, but not one of my favorites. I enjoyed the over all point to the book and the message that it carried. It took me a long time to read though because at points I just got bored and it was a little hard to follow.  It was very up to date and mentioned a lot of problems that were reverent to what is going on in today’s world.  I also liked how all the chapters were “stay….” and then tied it into a problem with our society.  This books relates to both past and present generation. They I am excited to finish the book that follows (What in the World is Going On) but I will have to wait until I have more time to sit and read the book and except from my normal life.  I would recommend this book to others but would suggestion that you are not reading it when you can get distracted or don’t have time in your life.